i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
so much tequila, so little girl.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
