I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
