It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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