I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
