I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
