duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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