I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
