My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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