I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
