Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
