I'm jealous of your bromance
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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