i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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