Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
