I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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