If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Randomize