Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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