I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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