Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
