My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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