where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
