Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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