batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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