i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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