So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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