she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
