take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
