Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
