Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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