The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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