I'm so fucking centered right now
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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