Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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