They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
