Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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