Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
