hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
