What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
