I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
