Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
