Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
