The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
