$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
