she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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