I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
