Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
