yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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