I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Randomize
