Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
