fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
