im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
