matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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