I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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