Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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