I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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