i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
