last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
where does the pee come out of this thing
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
