I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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