Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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