id be glad to
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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