the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
