I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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