I will die if light touches me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
