I will die if light touches me.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
