it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
