whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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