Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
