I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
