so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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