nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
